The Warlord: Battle for the Galaxy (aka The Osiris Chronicles) (1998)

Have you ever wondered what a sci fi movie would be like if you filmed it in your living room and backyard? Using nothing but a green screen and a Pentium for special effects? Now you can know. Just watch Warlord Battle for the Galaxy.

It has a real solid made for TV vibe with parts that will remind you of STNG, Babylon 5, Star Wars, and everything cheesy that went into sci fi space shows of the 90s. And I can't really complain. It's plenty entertaining. 

The main character, played by John Corbett, is initially too whiny but he grows on you. It helps that Corbett has one of the best voices for narration. (Remember Northern Exposure?) You get some of that here. I could seriously listen to the guy talk all day. 

Some cool aliens show up and there's a fight involving a flaming flail thing. There's also some almost tasty spaceship chase scenes. All acceptable. 

The plot involves rescues and starting revolutions, and some minor generic sci fi government BS. It's all so we can meet the new crew for the spaceship that was definitely designed to take center stage for a show that never happened. I can imagine, while the movie reminds the viewer of so many beloved storylines, it's not better than any of them and doesn't bring anything new to the table. Oh well. It's available to watch on YouTube so ease of access can give watching it a boost in probability. 

Go check it out. Fun stuff. 

Deathstalker 4: Match of Titans (1991)

Rich Hill is back and I can only imagine the relief long time Deathstalker fans must have felt to see that, in 1991 when this film was released. I gotta say, this one truly captured the vibe of the first Deathstalker movie and that alone makes it watchable.

Right off the bat the movie addresses how Deathstalker doesn't have his magic sword and what happened to it. I felt like this was a nod to number 2 and 3 in the series, where the magic sword isn't ever mentioned. Like, here ya go... here's why we never said anything about the sword. Then when Deathstalker finally does get his sword back, near the end, it does a bunch of stuff that it never could do before. This ends up being pretty hilarious and somehow is totally fine. It's probably good he didn't get it back earlier, he'd have been near unstoppable.

Also interesting, the movie had much the same plot as Deathstalker 2, at least as far as centering around a tournament that a bunch of warriors have to fight in, and Deathstalker meets a few on his journey there. It makes one wonder, do these tourneys happen often? Or, do we just happen to catch Deathstalker twice going to one? It's mentioned that every warrior within 200 miles is there. That ends up being about 25 people, apparently. With travel times as they are in the movie, seems like many people must just go around fighting all the time or traveling. In fact, one guy there refers to himself as an athlete and seems to be training for just such a life. As some of the warriors get killed off, maybe it's not hard to see why there's so few left around. Anyway...

An evil sorceress, Kana, is poisoning the warriors with wine so she can turn them to stone, build an army of golems, and essentially eliminate anybody who could challenge her at the same time. It's a brilliant plan. And it would have worked perfectly if she was just a little more careful. She just left the stone person antidote lying around and didn't take into account that one warrior might not be into wine. It spelled her doom. There's certainly no way Deathstalker could have otherwise stopped her.

So it all works out. Deathstalker slow motion dance move sword fights his way through hordes of wimpy soldiers. And he has all the best warriors within 200 miles to help him out, so it's not that tough. His princess pal conveniently used to live in that very castle and can now rule again. So it all works out nicely. Now I wish there were 17 more Deathstalker movies to watch.

Deathstalker III: The Warriors From Hell (1988)

I actually enjoyed this movie quite a bit despite it being mostly a piece of crap. At the start I thought maybe we were getting a scene that would have little to do with the plot, to perhaps set the tone or show how evil the bad guys are, or maybe a glimpse at Deathstalker's skinny lithe sidekick. But no, it's Deathstalker himself. 

The actor playing Deathstalker (John Allen Nelson) in all honesty seems to do his best, he's just too skinny and talkative to be our friendly fantasy neighborhood Deathstalker. He did grow on me, however, and I started to imagine this was a prequel movie, young Deathstalker. Back before the muscles and the magic sword, the real fights and the actually mean powerful bad guys, this was the adventure where Deathstalker cut his teeth. And that mindset made the whole movie feel more right. 

One thing I noticed is that he gets knocked unconscious a lot. It would make sense that he'd switch around his fighting technique and work out more so he could get tougher, and learn to watch his back to avoid this. He had to get more alert if he was to take on tougher foes. 

He also relies on allies a lot more. Deathstalker always has allies, but in this one they save him more than once. As a young guy he had to learn how to save others by hanging with his cool pals. Got it. Nice origin story stuff. 

There's also twin princesses played by Carla Sands (very weird. Look her up). It's another Deathstalker movie with two characters played by the same actress. It doesn't really make any sense or have much of a point, but it's a fun touch. The princess isn't interesting enough to really capture Deathstalker's attention and that's pretty much her character. 

The movie centers around both Deathstalker and an evil guy trying to get these crystals that give power when all together, or treasure, or something. The evil guy, played by Tom Christopher, doesn't seem that bad though. He's mostly a rich ahole that is mean to his girlfriend. He throws parties and has random people over all the time, and has crowds of bumbling soldiers at his disposal. They all live as a happy family in his castle. 

Deathstalker's main love interest is this kinda feral girl that he meets in the woods who's a good archer (played by Claudia Inchaurregui) even though he doesn't even really seduce her. I have to imagine it was the heartbreak of losing her that leads to his free love cold hearted attitude in later years. 

There's also a wizard that supposedly has intel on the crystals but then he doesn't, and he doesn't do much except teleport into the castle in dramatic fashion and then have his life threatened over and over. I'm thinking, teleport out, bud! Go home! But he's Deathstalker's friend so he sticks around. He looks like he's out of an old Kung Fu movie with his big hair and beard, but he's got zero moves. 

Besides Deathstalker, every character's name is impossible to remember in this one. You can look then up but I swear, they still won't ring a bell. It doesn't detract from anything, just something to know. 

The fight scenes are noticeably terrible. I especially like one where Deathstalker and the bad guy are dual wielding, Deathstalker is even holding a candelabra, and they lock up and do this awkward slow spin careful dance move. So weird. Anyway, all the sword play looks like middleschoolers in the backyard, hopping around on a jungle gym with cardboard swords, trying not to hit each other too hard. This is the most boring aspect of the movie. 

Finally, while the cover to this movie has super cool art, it has absolutely nothing to do with the film as far as I can tell. It's like, at this point they're just putting a muscle bound dude with a scantily clad lady on the cover and boom... Deathstalker. Who cares what actually happens in the movie. That's fine. It's silly. It's fun. Watch it if you like this kind of silly stuff. I do. Goodnight. 

Deathstalker 1 & 2; Barbarian Queen; The Warrior and the Sorceress

I'm a big Roger Corman fan, mostly due to seeing Death Race. The doing more with less, in a time of real effects instead of CGI, appeals to me. I also enjoy seeing the young actors that turned into stars and looking up the ones that maybe didn't become big famous Hollywood actors, but took other interesting life paths. So, I ended up stumbling upon this 4 movie collection, containing Deathstalker 1 & 2, Barbarian Queen, and The Warrior and the Sorceress. I should mention, I watched all of these basically back to back, but had trouble getting through the last one, so it's still paused part way through in my DVD player.

Deathstalker I

First, the cover art is fantastic. I think it's Boris, which just brings me back to my middle school days when I had a pack of Boris art cards and was blown away. It's not quite Frazetta, but ok I'll take it.... an apt analogy for this collection.

I read that Corman wanted to capitalize on the success of Schwarzenegger's Conan, so went ahead with Deathstalker. Good enough. The actor isn't quite Schwarzenegger in beefiness, but he's buff and a pretty decent fit for the role. I mean, if I was doing a Conanesk movie and had this guy (Rick Hill), I'd feel really, really good about it. 

The sheer quantity of  scenes with topless women in this movie (and all these movies) would be the elephant in the room if I didn't bring it up. It's kinda funny because if it wasn't for that aspect, the movies would pretty much be fit for 12 year olds to watch. Instead, they're adult movies. It really is to a silly extent that these scenes are in Deathstalker, which is something I'm personally fine with, but definitely worth knowing before sitting down to watch it. 

Much of the movie is a little too not grimy enough, like how'd they manage to not get dirty in this fantasy world dust shanty town? Or, how'd they get dirt everywhere except on their clean shaven faces? Not a big deal, really, but the cheap sets are what make the movie feel low budget and not in the same league as Conan. Yes, in this case I'd say that's somehow more important than the script, acting, and score. Usually I'd argue for script. But I'm convinced that if you made Conan with the Deathstalker script, you'd still have Conan. 

The plot wasn't that memorable for Deathstalker, but maybe that's the point. He's got a sword that makes him invincible when he's holding it so the bad guys are usually afraid of him, get their butts kicked, and try to catch him without the sword or finagle it away from him somehow. The big bad sorcerer (inspirado for the bad guy in Krod Mandoon??) isn't too impressive without his henchmen, but whatever. There are some women Deathstalker must save with his sexual prowess and muscles, and he does so effectively. 

Deathstalker II

Deathstalker is played by a different actor in this one, a guy who's not nearly as muscled or stoic. It's a different kind of movie, much more silly and funny on purpose in a Deathstalker-ey kind of way. Honestly, it feels like a parody of the first movie. 

In this one, Deathstalker cares way less about his sword and it doesn't even seem to be as important towards keeping him alive. Maybe nobody cared. The movie is still fairly entertaining, it just doesn't feel like a sequel to all that is Deathstalker. 

And the twin stuff that happens is super weird. Seems like that was just a way to get Monique Gabrielle a few extra costume changes. 

And some of the sword fights in this one seem a bit better. 

Barbarian Queen

A bunch of good friends get together to go kick some asses. They just happen to be barbarians and they just happen to be sexy ladies. There's some wimpy torture and a few very creepy dudes for them to murder. I mean, is this movie supposed to have more going on than this? 5 stars. 

The Warrior and the Sorceress

Dust, dust, and more dust, and David Carradine never had muscles like he does on the cover of this one. Those are the big takeaways from The Warrior and the Sorceress. A few warriors are on their way to a tournament and become buds, then find out some weak people need their help and that the tournament is run by some evil dude suppressing them. So everybody uses the magic of teamwork and David Carradine gets a big sword, then there's a fight and the movie ends. I mean, it just ends. The movie is very short. So short that it seems too short and maybe they ran out of money or time, or something. But it's good while it lasts. 

Found out I only had about 5 min left when I thought I was only half way through. 🤣

Damnation Alley (1977)

Through my love for the game Gaslands, the book and movie Damnation Alley were both recommended to me via Twitter. Luckily enough, I'd picked up the book at a library book sale and had it sitting on a shelf. I loved reading the Roger Zelazny classic and did so in only a couple days. So I thought, why not check out the movie?

The most frustrating thing about the movie is that it got a lot right, so the potential is evident. Movie adaptations of books are notoriously not as good so I tried to keep expectations low. But with George Peppard (A-Team) and Jan Michael Vincent (Rick & Morty) taking center stage, it was hard for me not to feel giddy. They're pretty good and the rest of the cast is fine, too. Although every time Peppard came on screen, with a funny little mustache, I kept imagining him as his character Hannibal Smith in a disguise. 

For 1977, the effects are good enough, despite being kind of weird... actually just the giant scorpions are overly weird. Whatever, though. I wanted to get into this movie so badly, I even thought that worked okay. Also, the truck is pretty badass, which I was concerned about, and is actually the perfect vehicle for this movie. 

So, the unfortunate part of Damnation Alley is that the script sucks bad, especially if you've read the book. Without the book under my belt, I'd have probably liked this movie better, but instead I just saw what it could have been. If the story followed the book, the scenes that took place while they traversed the US would have not only made more sense, but would have been more interesting. Also, the characters would have had relationships with at least a little depth, and some motivation. And the biker vs vehicle scenes from the book would have been cool to see on camera. The makers of this movie had all the ingredients and budget they needed, they just messed it up anyway. 

The movie is entertaining enough, but scenes come across feeling disconnected, like little short movies that don't make much sense when put all together. And the movie drags in places. All together it's a mediocre affair. Why was a kid added? And the pockets of civilization they encounter don't seem plausible even in the least. It's annoying when you see what this movie could have been. Oh well. Read the book. 

Blue Demon (2004)

Ahhh.... tonight I watched Blue Demon, one of the worst shark movies I've ever seen and let me assure you, I've seen many. And many are very, very bad. 

I was however, still entertained. 

Besides the plot, the other mystery to Blue Demon is how on Earth this movie managed to have some notable actors. It's got a very made- for-TV look and barely manages to feel PG13, which is hard to do with a shark movie when it's assumed action and violence are much of the genre's appeal. There's not much of either one in this movie. Instead there's CGI sharks, CGI water, and even CGI golden gate bridge. The sharks, when they're in real water, appear to be nothing more than floating fins. What saves the movie is the hope that it was a college student's junior year project and the campy feel, and script that actually matches the vibe of the movie. 

Deedee Pfeifer is the real star of the movie and while she's not the draw of her older sister, she's decent in the role of the shark scientist. Although, my only knowledge of her career was that she's posed in Playboy. 

Her ex/husband, also scientist,  is played by Randall Batinkoff who's one of those actors who looks familiar, but you can't place him, because he's had a tiny role in a million things. I can't say much more about him. 

Danny Woodburn plays their grumpy boss. He's funny in the role. Dead Ant is the only movie I know him from and is one I like more than I'd like to admit. But, because of that role, I enjoyed him more than I probably would have otherwise. 

Finally of note, Jeff Fahey plays the terrorist patriot cigar smoking overly dramatic general. This is a goofy role and makes me think he either owed someone a favor or his career had fallen on hard times. I don't know. I hope he didn't give up more than a weekend for his part in the shooting of Blue Demon. If so, I'm not sure it was worth it. 

Blue Demon has the honor of also having the worst car chase scene I've ever seen. Both cars come out completely unscathed, begging the question, who loaned them to make this movie? (Yes, you can borrow my car for the chase scene... it's in the lot... but not a scratch! Ya hear me!) A maroon Saab and a lorry, so the whole chase doesn't look to exceeded 35 mph. It's completely underwhelming. I was amazed how much so, actually. 

What's going on with the plot you may wonder? Mind controlled sharks get loose and kill a couple people but mostly scare people, then one named Red Dog gets ahold of a Russian nuclear bomb and kills one guy. They may be in a fresh water lake? Maybe the ocean? Yes. The plot is bad but actually sort of works for me as far as crappy shark movies go.

It's the terrible CGI and complete lack of action that puts this one on the never-watch-again list. I'm generally turned off by a movie considered violent, but Blue Demon didn't have enough for me. 

This whole movie got me wondering if actors keep DVD or Blue Ray copies of their own works around the house. Because, if so, I'm thinking any who own this one,  most likely never put it on. 

Attrition (2018)

In an alternate universe, in Thailand, Steven Seagal goes by Axe, a doctor who solves the world's problems with simple solutions. He doesn't want money because he has tons. He just wants to heal people. He doesn't want to solve problems with violence because it was long ago that he did stuff like that. But when a village has young girls getting kidnapped, he's ready to help out and go back into the action.

Attrition was written by Steven Seagal and the movie has all the classic Steven Seagal moments one might desire, along with some surprises. And the bad guy is sufficiently brutal. And there's some supernatural stuff going on, which is somewhat rare for a Mr. Seagal movie. This movie delivered on so many fronts, I'm actually amazed.

Cool lines? Check. Break a table? Check. Teach some idiot the error of his ways? Check. Save helpless people? Check. Windmill slap fight? Check. Special forces background? Check. Whispery voice with multiple languages and sometimes bro talk? Check. And there's a whole lot more. 

For the longtime Seagal fan, I'm gonna say, it's actually a must see. And I don't mean you saw Under Siege and Out For Justice back in the day, I mean you've seen a bunch of Seagal movies, truly get what he's made for films over the years. If you're that person, this movie is for you. 

You can also enjoy how Axe is spoken to in Thai but only responds back in English. It's such a weird move and something only Steven Seagal could pull off in a movie. Seagal also bestows a nearly endless barrage of wisdom in such a Seagal kind of way that it's borderline intoxicating. Wisdom despite using words like "bro" and "y'all", so Seagal and so awesome. 

It seems like most Seagal movies in the past couple decades have either been shoot em up military style or martial arts style, this one gives a little of each but definitely more martial arts... my preference. So while I'm suspicious that a stunt double gets significant screen time, the martial arts scenes are at least kinda neat. And a couple parts are downright awesome. At least on par with some Kung Fu Legend Continues action and they get better as the movie progresses.  

Axe gets his old team together. Then we get a glimpse of his pre wizened monk life self and it's reminiscent mostly of Steven Seagal. I keep thinking, Steven thought back on Submerged and wished for something a little cooler. This is way cooler.

By the time the team goes on the rescue mission, there's less than 30 min of movie left. Perfect. Attrition clocks in at a satisfying 85 min. It's good all the way through. The support cast team members are all badasses in their own rights and compliment Axe well. And, the ending delivers. 

Overall, I'd say this is one of Seagal's best in recent years. Axe sums up Attrition when he beats the crap out of a dude and tells the shopkeeper, "I pay for everything. Don't worry brother. "